1. |
The Billions
02:57
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Dearly beloved,
We are gathered here to weep, or sleep,
Or wonder what that girl did
To deserve this little creep
The ex-fiance swears he will not make a scene
Still, he'd like to tie the bride & groom
To the bumper of their limousine
-----
There's a lot of hooks in the sea
There's a billion
From the bent & dirty dull ones
To the sharp & twisted bright ones
There's a lot of them
There's a billion
Any time you bite one
It's never quite the right one
-----
The preacher pours it on
Everyone adores it
Love & marriage goes with preaching
Like a horse & carriage goes with horse shit
Some old hymn is mangled
By these tone-deaf holy rollers
While the ex-fiance tries to hold his peace
Between his grinding molars
-----
The groom looks at his bride
And sees a brat in a satin gown
Still, he knows that he can always
Pack some clothes & just skip town
The bride looks at her groom
And still, she can't decide
If she's gonna have to see
That ex-fiance on the side
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2. |
Oh You
02:18
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Cupid's little loincloth is covered with stains
He pissed himself laughing at that arrow through your brains
What did your love ever do for you, dope?
When the poison is pure, it's the cure for your hope
-----
Oh, you
Oh, you
Revving up your engine down a dead end street
Easy on the throttle, now - we've got to be discreet
I jumped out of the minivan into the rumble seat
With you
Oh, you
Oh, you
-----
Oh, you
Oh, you
Drinking in the vapors and the fainting spells
The cloak & dagger capers and the private hells
You quench your thirst by diving head-first down empty wells
Don't you?
Oh, you
Oh, you
-----
Come now, don't be glum now
What did you expect?
We always knew that someone's home
Was going to be wrecked
And mine was standing fine & dandy
Last time that I checked
Too bad for you
Oh, you
-----
Oh, you
Oh, you
Hubby's getting huffy and the bedroom lights are dim
Do you think you've got the strength to pull me off of him?
Do you think we'll stroll again, phantom limb in phantom limb?
You do, but do I?
If we're through, what do I
Owe you?
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3. |
Shane
04:02
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Another sunrise left behind
Another prairie town slips from your mind
And then you hear a crying voice
Ringing clear, but you made your choice
Yes, you best just move it along
Down to the sea
-----
Seems that every town you pass through, Shane
You find another lonely lass in pain
And you're never going back there, Shane
You're never going back there, Shane
You're never going back there,
The hearts are turning black there
Shane
Shane
-----
You hate the light that shines down from above
You hate the dark because it isn't dark enough
You set your sights on a new horizon
A new horizon that you soon despise
And so you just keep moving along
Down to the sea
-----
Another sunset leaves you blind
Another restless night on your westward grind
But that's your life - you don't need it
Turn your rifle and do the deed
It's the only path, my lad,
To the sea
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4. |
||||
Congratulations, you survived your suicide
Your sorry little heart still bipperty-bops from side to side
You get to see another day, so whattaya say
You bake some cookies for an orphan who is going blind?
Congratulations, welcome back to the grind
Congratulations, you survived your suicide
-----
Congratulations, you survived your suicide
Yeah, you and that horror show cliche you've been trying to hide
Ring, ring, ring, you nailed down the windows and you locked the door
But the call was coming from inside
Congratulations, the good guy is gonna survive
Congratulations, the killer is still alive
-----
You tried to pull the trigger
But your hand began to shake
And so you dodged a bullet
That you wanted to take
Life is long and sweet
And love is pure and true
So we got ourselves a problem here
And the problem is you
-----
Congratulations, you survived your suicide
There were oh, so many who went before you that tried and died
But not you, you can hold your head up high
And let your failure fill you full of pride
Congratulations, your wish has been denied
Congratulations, you survived your suicide
-----
Congratulations, you survived your suicide
Your sorry little heart still bipperty-bops from side to side
You get to see another day, so head to the bay
And maybe buy yourself an hour-long jet ski ride
Congratulations, you're back on the winning side
Congratulations, you survived your suicide
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5. |
Symphony of Smut
03:21
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Excuse my sullen spew
But I've got half a mind to split my skull in two
Oh, lucky me, the 10:03 is pulling through
I guess I'll lay my head down on the rail
On second thought I'll pass
And seek salvation at St. Lucy's midnight mass
Where I shall contemplate the Virgin Mary's
Assumption into Heaven - what a tale
-----
Oh, symphony of smut
Rotten crops and squatter huts
Rheumy eyes, cramped guts
And though your shanty shades are shut
The Lord will watch you while you rut
Oh, God, you naughty sod
Tut, tut, tut
-----
Like putty in my mitts
The brainy beauties all line up to do the splits
Their lads are cads, and I am dripping with dry wit
A bookworm bird will drool for something droll
And I love the wild chases
That follow pinching subway cops in nether places
I grab a ham and wham, it's off to the races
Till I'm caught and cuffed and plunged in some dark hole
-----
If you travel to my hovel
Please wear a wig betwixt your legs, I beg and grovel
For I've been working on my great merkin novel
It's a dark and twisted yarn told with panache
But my spine is going slack
And I keep dreaming of a gleaming iron track
On second second thought, I want that train to smack my brain
And scatter it so scavengers can nosh
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6. |
Hop in the Vat
02:54
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Meet me on the log jam on Kerosene Creek
Where the forest lies waiting in a heap
The logs rub together and it burns for weeks
And the black clouds choke you while you sleep
On the God-forsaken plains in the middle of the west
There's a town called Yodel-ay-hee Hole
You get there by hopping from crest to crest
Of the amber waves as they roll
-----
How can a man ride the back of a horse
When he can't suck the breath from a cat?
The answer is found as a matter of course
Once you drop your drawers and hop in the vat
-----
A gladiator raider went hunting in the swamp
Brandishing a lariat and maul
He bumped into a gator and the gator went "chomp"
And swallowed him, chariot and all
In a tavern by a canyon down in Guillotine Gulch
A miner 49er drinks a shot
The night before he shoveled up a talking skull
That brainless bone said "I don't think, therefore I'm not"
-----
If your dander is up and you're feeling quite bold
Then do a chorus line kick in the sleet
But if dancing on ice seems too frightfully cold
Then wear a nice pair of wigs on your feet
I'm like an ox in your china shop shack
Knocking plates on the floor when I curtsy
My tutu is tight and it rides up my back
And it tangles my teacups and hurts me
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7. |
Aces & Eights
03:54
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They must've stacked the deck with aces and eights
When the fates dealt your hand of cards
Cuz I could blow you right outta the human race
At a hundred and fifty yards
-----
I'll never leave a hole when I shoot ya
I'll use the holes that you already got
And at night I'll bunk down on the soft patch of ground
That pops up in your family plot
I can make a bullet turn a corner
I could put a bullet in a ghost
I could send a whole hail up to paradise
And pick the halos off the heavenly host
-----
They must've stacked the deck with aces and eights
When the fates dealt your hand of cards
Cuz I could shoot the eyes off a dragonfly's face
At a hundred and fifty yards
-----
I can dodge any bullet that you fire at me
I've never taken a hit and never will
The one time I ever missed a target
It was me that I was trying to kill
When I'm alone in my house I keep low to the ground
Every window and rat hole is boarded
I shot my way in and out of Alcatraz
And floated home on the body of the warden
-----
I stood with the Devil in a crowded theater
I was just a gun for hire
The Devil said "Wait for my signal"
And then the Devil shouted "Fire"
They say that I will end up in Hell
Well, first they gotta put me in the ground
But I was told by the Devil himself
He's gonna send me someplace further down
-----
They must've stacked the deck with aces and eights
When the fates dealt your hand of cards
Cuz I could shoot the tears off your widow's face
At a hundred and fifty yards
-----
They must've stacked the deck with aces and eights
When the fates dealt your hand of cards
Cuz I could shoot the cute off your baby's face
At a hundred and fifty yards
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8. |
Muriel Milady
03:59
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I went to the bar with Muriel milady
Mindful of Flanagan, always afraid
He would swoop down and hand her a poem and a rose
I held him at bay till I got up to powder my nose
I knew I’d best hurry or I'd lose my dear Muriel
So I powdered with haste and raced back in a fury
All for naught, I’m afraid - I caught her with Flanagan
I watched her fall for that back-stabbing fancy-dan again
-----
He comes around, my luck reverses
It happens all the time, he does it on purpose
Now that’s bad enough, but I’ll tell you what’s worse is
My heart breaks in half and goes riding away in two hearses
-----
She giggled and chuckled all whack-a-ding hoy
She wriggled and buckled and jiggled with joy
They locked up their fingers, walked off the premises
Curses! Foiled again by my nemesis
Yes, Muriel skidoo’d with that suitor who’d wooed her
So I dove out the door and I boldly pursued her
But Flanagan turned, said “Listen here, pup,
I’ll pound you face down in the dirt if you dare to rear up”
-----
I had no choice, I called up to God
And said “Please remove Flanagan’s soul from his bod”
The Lord snapped his fingers
Flanagan was minced
The Lord sent a torrent of rain
Flanagan was rinsed away, away, away
Muriel looked over, with dumbstruck surprise
I met her gaze
With love in my eyes
Another ker-snap, her head turned to powder
A voice from above said “Hey kid, yer better off without her"
-----
I may be thick, but I’ve managed to suss
We pray to God, and then God preys on us
Muriel milady’s bereft of her brains
And I’m left with nothing but my love for her
Still remains
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9. |
The Divider
03:09
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Out beyond the divider
Two faces in silhouette
He's such a good provider
He bummed her a cigarette
Down below, the impaler
Pounds away at the granite
She says "Goodbye, sailor"
He floats off the planet
-----
Maybe one day he will dig a little deeper
Maybe one day she will cut a little straighter
Maybe later when they're feeling stronger
They just need to bleed a little longer
-----
Out beyond the divider
As the smoke ribbons twist
She flicks her ash at the spider
Tapping on the veins of her wrist
They see the bones of Orion
They see the sack of the city
He's a limping old lion
And she's impossibly pretty
-----
Out beyond the divider
All is quiet, she ignores him
Though he knows her ghost adores him
Waiting for that little death just bores him
-----
Out beyond the divider
His desire goes dark
The empty spaces get wider
Still she throws off a spark
And in a chemical fire
Rising out of the gravel
The red rose and the briar
Have begun to unravel
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10. |
The Lonely Peace
04:01
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I can't fight, wrong or right
We're standing on either side of a tall brick wall
We can't climb, still we scratch and claw
I give up, you adore me
Is it a victory for that sad old story?
I don't know, just call it a draw
-----
It's a lonely, lonely, lonely peace
It's a lonely, lonely, lonely peace
My heart is busted, but still beats
It beats and beats and beats
I think it's beating a retreat
-----
You say you'll miss me, well call me a softy
But that and half a buck'll buy a bitter old coffee
And I'm sorry, you're just running from what you fear
I know you saw me so clear
Now I'm floating around like a ghost in a graveyard
And I'm sorry, I think I better disappear
-----
Blame that little flying pest
Cupid in full battle dress
He took aim, I took a hit, that's my bad luck
So you pulled the arrow out
You tried to save me, and someday maybe I'll thank you
But till then, I'll just remember to duck
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