by Sycamore Smith

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Dearly beloved, We are gathered here to weep, or sleep, Or wonder what that girl did To deserve this little creep The ex-fiance swears he will not make a scene Still, he'd like to tie the bride & groom To the bumper of their limousine ----- There's a lot of hooks in the sea There's a billion From the bent & dirty dull ones To the sharp & twisted bright ones There's a lot of them There's a billion Any time you bite one It's never quite the right one ----- The preacher pours it on Everyone adores it Love & marriage goes with preaching Like a horse & carriage goes with horse shit Some old hymn is mangled By these tone-deaf holy rollers While the ex-fiance tries to hold his peace Between his grinding molars ----- The groom looks at his bride And sees a brat in a satin gown Still, he knows that he can always Pack some clothes & just skip town The bride looks at her groom And still, she can't decide If she's gonna have to see That ex-fiance on the side
Cupid's little loincloth is covered with stains He pissed himself laughing at that arrow through your brains What did your love ever do for you, dope? When the poison is pure, it's the cure for your hope ----- Oh, you Oh, you Revving up your engine down a dead end street Easy on the throttle, now - we've got to be discreet I jumped out of the minivan into the rumble seat With you Oh, you Oh, you ----- Oh, you Oh, you Drinking in the vapors and the fainting spells The cloak & dagger capers and the private hells You quench your thirst by diving head-first down empty wells Don't you? Oh, you Oh, you ----- Come now, don't be glum now What did you expect? We always knew that someone's home Was going to be wrecked And mine was standing fine & dandy Last time that I checked Too bad for you Oh, you ----- Oh, you Oh, you Hubby's getting huffy and the bedroom lights are dim Do you think you've got the strength to pull me off of him? Do you think we'll stroll again, phantom limb in phantom limb? You do, but do I? If we're through, what do I Owe you?
Another sunrise left behind Another prairie town slips from your mind And then you hear a crying voice Ringing clear, but you made your choice Yes, you best just move it along Down to the sea ----- Seems that every town you pass through, Shane You find another lonely lass in pain And you're never going back there, Shane You're never going back there, Shane You're never going back there, The hearts are turning black there Shane Shane ----- You hate the light that shines down from above You hate the dark because it isn't dark enough You set your sights on a new horizon A new horizon that you soon despise And so you just keep moving along Down to the sea ----- Another sunset leaves you blind Another restless night on your westward grind But that's your life - you don't need it Turn your rifle and do the deed It's the only path, my lad, To the sea
Congratulations, you survived your suicide Your sorry little heart still bipperty-bops from side to side You get to see another day, so whattaya say You bake some cookies for an orphan who is going blind? Congratulations, welcome back to the grind Congratulations, you survived your suicide ----- Congratulations, you survived your suicide Yeah, you and that horror show cliche you've been trying to hide Ring, ring, ring, you nailed down the windows and you locked the door But the call was coming from inside Congratulations, the good guy is gonna survive Congratulations, the killer is still alive ----- You tried to pull the trigger But your hand began to shake And so you dodged a bullet That you wanted to take Life is long and sweet And love is pure and true So we got ourselves a problem here And the problem is you ----- Congratulations, you survived your suicide There were oh, so many who went before you that tried and died But not you, you can hold your head up high And let your failure fill you full of pride Congratulations, your wish has been denied Congratulations, you survived your suicide ----- Congratulations, you survived your suicide Your sorry little heart still bipperty-bops from side to side You get to see another day, so head to the bay And maybe buy yourself an hour-long jet ski ride Congratulations, you're back on the winning side Congratulations, you survived your suicide
Excuse my sullen spew But I've got half a mind to split my skull in two Oh, lucky me, the 10:03 is pulling through I guess I'll lay my head down on the rail On second thought I'll pass And seek salvation at St. Lucy's midnight mass Where I shall contemplate the Virgin Mary's Assumption into Heaven - what a tale ----- Oh, symphony of smut Rotten crops and squatter huts Rheumy eyes, cramped guts And though your shanty shades are shut The Lord will watch you while you rut Oh, God, you naughty sod Tut, tut, tut ----- Like putty in my mitts The brainy beauties all line up to do the splits Their lads are cads, and I am dripping with dry wit A bookworm bird will drool for something droll And I love the wild chases That follow pinching subway cops in nether places I grab a ham and wham, it's off to the races Till I'm caught and cuffed and plunged in some dark hole ----- If you travel to my hovel Please wear a wig betwixt your legs, I beg and grovel For I've been working on my great merkin novel It's a dark and twisted yarn told with panache But my spine is going slack And I keep dreaming of a gleaming iron track On second second thought, I want that train to smack my brain And scatter it so scavengers can nosh
Meet me on the log jam on Kerosene Creek Where the forest lies waiting in a heap The logs rub together and it burns for weeks And the black clouds choke you while you sleep On the God-forsaken plains in the middle of the west There's a town called Yodel-ay-hee Hole You get there by hopping from crest to crest Of the amber waves as they roll ----- How can a man ride the back of a horse When he can't suck the breath from a cat? The answer is found as a matter of course Once you drop your drawers and hop in the vat ----- A gladiator raider went hunting in the swamp Brandishing a lariat and maul He bumped into a gator and the gator went "chomp" And swallowed him, chariot and all In a tavern by a canyon down in Guillotine Gulch A miner 49er drinks a shot The night before he shoveled up a talking skull That brainless bone said "I don't think, therefore I'm not" ----- If your dander is up and you're feeling quite bold Then do a chorus line kick in the sleet But if dancing on ice seems too frightfully cold Then wear a nice pair of wigs on your feet I'm like an ox in your china shop shack Knocking plates on the floor when I curtsy My tutu is tight and it rides up my back And it tangles my teacups and hurts me
They must've stacked the deck with aces and eights When the fates dealt your hand of cards Cuz I could blow you right outta the human race At a hundred and fifty yards ----- I'll never leave a hole when I shoot ya I'll use the holes that you already got And at night I'll bunk down on the soft patch of ground That pops up in your family plot I can make a bullet turn a corner I could put a bullet in a ghost I could send a whole hail up to paradise And pick the halos off the heavenly host ----- They must've stacked the deck with aces and eights When the fates dealt your hand of cards Cuz I could shoot the eyes off a dragonfly's face At a hundred and fifty yards ----- I can dodge any bullet that you fire at me I've never taken a hit and never will The one time I ever missed a target It was me that I was trying to kill When I'm alone in my house I keep low to the ground Every window and rat hole is boarded I shot my way in and out of Alcatraz And floated home on the body of the warden ----- I stood with the Devil in a crowded theater I was just a gun for hire The Devil said "Wait for my signal" And then the Devil shouted "Fire" They say that I will end up in Hell Well, first they gotta put me in the ground But I was told by the Devil himself He's gonna send me someplace further down ----- They must've stacked the deck with aces and eights When the fates dealt your hand of cards Cuz I could shoot the tears off your widow's face At a hundred and fifty yards ----- They must've stacked the deck with aces and eights When the fates dealt your hand of cards Cuz I could shoot the cute off your baby's face At a hundred and fifty yards
I went to the bar with Muriel milady Mindful of Flanagan, always afraid He would swoop down and hand her a poem and a rose I held him at bay till I got up to powder my nose I knew I’d best hurry or I'd lose my dear Muriel So I powdered with haste and raced back in a fury All for naught, I’m afraid - I caught her with Flanagan I watched her fall for that back-stabbing fancy-dan again ----- He comes around, my luck reverses It happens all the time, he does it on purpose Now that’s bad enough, but I’ll tell you what’s worse is My heart breaks in half and goes riding away in two hearses ----- She giggled and chuckled all whack-a-ding hoy She wriggled and buckled and jiggled with joy They locked up their fingers, walked off the premises Curses! Foiled again by my nemesis Yes, Muriel skidoo’d with that suitor who’d wooed her So I dove out the door and I boldly pursued her But Flanagan turned, said “Listen here, pup, I’ll pound you face down in the dirt if you dare to rear up” ----- I had no choice, I called up to God And said “Please remove Flanagan’s soul from his bod” The Lord snapped his fingers Flanagan was minced The Lord sent a torrent of rain Flanagan was rinsed away, away, away Muriel looked over, with dumbstruck surprise I met her gaze With love in my eyes Another ker-snap, her head turned to powder A voice from above said “Hey kid, yer better off without her" ----- I may be thick, but I’ve managed to suss We pray to God, and then God preys on us Muriel milady’s bereft of her brains And I’m left with nothing but my love for her Still remains
Out beyond the divider Two faces in silhouette He's such a good provider He bummed her a cigarette Down below, the impaler Pounds away at the granite She says "Goodbye, sailor" He floats off the planet ----- Maybe one day he will dig a little deeper Maybe one day she will cut a little straighter Maybe later when they're feeling stronger They just need to bleed a little longer ----- Out beyond the divider As the smoke ribbons twist She flicks her ash at the spider Tapping on the veins of her wrist They see the bones of Orion They see the sack of the city He's a limping old lion And she's impossibly pretty ----- Out beyond the divider All is quiet, she ignores him Though he knows her ghost adores him Waiting for that little death just bores him ----- Out beyond the divider His desire goes dark The empty spaces get wider Still she throws off a spark And in a chemical fire Rising out of the gravel The red rose and the briar Have begun to unravel
I can't fight, wrong or right We're standing on either side of a tall brick wall We can't climb, still we scratch and claw I give up, you adore me Is it a victory for that sad old story? I don't know, just call it a draw ----- It's a lonely, lonely, lonely peace It's a lonely, lonely, lonely peace My heart is busted, but still beats It beats and beats and beats I think it's beating a retreat ----- You say you'll miss me, well call me a softy But that and half a buck'll buy a bitter old coffee And I'm sorry, you're just running from what you fear I know you saw me so clear Now I'm floating around like a ghost in a graveyard And I'm sorry, I think I better disappear ----- Blame that little flying pest Cupid in full battle dress He took aim, I took a hit, that's my bad luck So you pulled the arrow out You tried to save me, and someday maybe I'll thank you But till then, I'll just remember to duck


Special thanks to Matt Bullock - this recording would not exist without his hard work, his patience, and most importantly, his friendship.


released May 29, 2017

Sycamore Smith: guitar, vocals, and keyboards

Matt Bullock: electric guitar on "Shane," "Muriel Milady," and "The Lonely Peace"

Jim Bellmore: additional keyboards on "Muriel Milady" and "The Divider"

Douglass Lynott: co-lyricist, "Hop in the Vat"


Produced by Matt Bullock

Recorded in May of 2015 by by Matt Bullock at ITM Studios, Portland, Oregon

Mixed in June of 2016 by Jim Bellmore & Jesse DeCaire at Da Yoopers Studio, Ishpeming, Michigan

Mastered in May of 2017 by Jim Bellmore & Jesse DeCaire at Da Yoopers Studio, Ishpeming, Michigan


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Sycamore Smith Marquette, Michigan

I love it when you call me grosspapa

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